How often have I stared at the blank page, frozen, without a clue about how to begin? I have had these face-offs with my computer monitor countless times when tasked with a research report, business proposal, book chapter, or blog post. Interestingly, the majority of these catatonic moments occurred around topics I knew well and was excited to produce. Go figure.
 
What is this roadblock really about?  What I have observed is that my desire to sound knowledgeable, authentic, and eloquent sometimes ignites my inner critic that tells me I am none of the above. Rationally, I know this to be false and thankfully, coaching has helped me squash the negative voice in order to make room for the loud supportive one bursting with motivation.
 
I remain surprised when the words still do not pour out of me after my internal pep talk. I am mindful that the feelings accompanying my snail’s pace are largely attributed to an unrealistic wish that the words flow in thoughtful, melodic prose at first pass. I refer to this as the perfectionist hurdle and she is not my friend.
 
When she shows up, it is time for me to implement the same strategy I often use to support clients when they are feeling stuck.  The “I don’t know where to start” that often follows a client’s declaration that they seek a change in one or more aspects of their life.
 
The strategy, whether applied to my own hurdle or in support of a client’s, is to take the task at hand and break it down into several small bites.  Shifting the focus from the final product to a series of doable steps is an incredibly useful tool. Empowering.
 
This strategy can be applied to a variety of life scenarios where a change is desired – –  career, relationship, fitness, etc. To illustrate this, take Cici (not her real name), a client who was expecting out of town guests for a weekend later that month and she wanted to de-clutter her spare bedroom, which had become the dumping ground for household goods she did not regularly use.  Items such as suitcases, giftwrap, animal carriers, old textbooks, etc. covered the guest bed and much of the floor, making the room inaccessible for an overnight visitor. Tackling the accumulated stuff felt understandably overwhelming to Cici and she kept putting it off believing her goal (having a useable guestroom) was out of reach. 
 
Using the method of breaking down the task into smaller pieces, Cici devised a plan to undertake one corner of the room before our next coaching session in one week.  She set out to clean a 4-foot by 4-foot area – a space she felt was reasonable to progress towards her ultimate goal. Days before our scheduled coaching session, I received a text from Cici stating she not only completed the designated corner, but she finished cleaning half of the room.  Once she rolled up her sleeves to confront what overwhelmed her in a manageable dose, she was motivated to keep going.  She indicated she would have done more but was limited by her schedule.  She could not wait to get back and finish what she started.   
 
The beauty of this strategy is that it is widely applicable to matters big and small. And the transformational impact is limitless. Seeking change and having goals are part of our personal growth process. Should perfectionist tendencies and overwhelm appear along the way, overcoming them to progress towards your goal is at your fingertips.

Hard to believe we are mid-summer.  I love this time of year for all of its simplicity…farmer’s markets, flip flops, easy picnic dinners on the beach at sunset.  Perhaps an echo from my younger days, I have always felt that summertime feels more relaxed, even though work and family responsibilities continue with a steady rhythm.
 
Yet the summer of 2020 is far from relaxing.  In addition to the financial stress and health concerns that are a reality for many, favorite summer activities are on hold or extensively modified. The mental energy required to thread moments of fun and respite while keeping everyone safe can be exhausting.
 
Spontaneity is on hold. A last minute trip to the beach requires advance planning to secure the requisite parking pass that assures access.  
 
5:00 PM cocktails on Zoom replace evenings spent at a crowded, trendy restaurant. 
 
And our kids? Their summer plans have been cancelled, reduced, or adapted, leaving them with yet more time to fill after their education was abruptly disrupted in March. Parents tap into their limited energy reserves to negotiate with teens yet again, weighing the effects this period will have on their emotional, physical, and intellectual well-being.
 
The hardships are real and by no means can we trivialize them. With no end in sight, stress and anxiety take a toll on us. It has become increasingly difficult to plan anything given the rapidly changing rules and policies that drive a lot of routines.
 
And still, there remain many things that we can enjoy, as long as we take the time to notice, to be mindful of them.  The gifts of summer extend well beyond the vacations, pool parties, and traditions we find ourselves mourning. Many summer treasures are accessible and more than ever, offer necessary moments of joy when we pause and pay attention to them. Topping my list this summer:

• That first bite of a perfectly ripened peach
• Early morning exercise before the day becomes heavy with heat
• The pre-dawn chirping of birds outside my open window
• The beauty of a garden in full bloom
• A nighttime thunderstorm
• A prospering tomato plant started from seedling

 
Think about your list of summer favorites.  How would it feel to slow down and notice those tiny moments of happiness that sometimes pass unacknowledged? Allowing oneself to enjoy these simple pleasures is a simple and powerful tool to use, especially during these unprecedented times.  

Why are some conversations so difficult to have? We all have uncomfortable topics that we find ourselves bargaining to postpone, downplay, or avoid all together. Decades ago as a grade schooler, I remember suffering through an entire weekend in anticipation of  telling my parents of a poor score I received on a math test. In my small world, this felt like a big deal. I was unable to fully enjoy going to the movies with my friends with the feeling of doom that followed me all weekend long. I waited until the last possible moment that weekend  — bedtime Sunday night — to break the news. My parents are caring and reasonable people and yet I feared having to say aloud what felt like an earth shattering proclamation.  They were, not surprisingly, reassuring and calm. In hindsight, I was struggling to reconcile my self image as a smart kid with my low grade, and had neither the wisdom nor self awareness to understand that a single test score did not define me.  

As I have evolved, so too has my understanding and approach towards difficult conversations. I am not talking about unpleasant talks such as sharing a poor annual review with a supervisee (they can improve), or telling your kid they have to miss “the party of the year” to attend their cousin’s wedding (there will be other parties). I mean those conversations that merely thinking about elicits stress sighs, stomach knots, and head spins.   

How big is this hurdle? Does our own gunk – – that negative internal dialogue – – cast doubt on our communication skills?  Or are we afraid of how the recipient will hear and subsequently react to the message?  Both are real concerns and can cause us to dance around what we want to say. We minimize. We sugarcoat. We withhold information. We avoid. You know what I’m talking about.  

For the parents among us, one of the areas I’ve heard folks stumbling over is talking with their kids about sex. For so many of us, talking about sex with our offspring sends us reeling. What are we afraid of?  What would it take for us to feel more at ease in this arena? Imagine if sex conversations with our kids flowed easily in matter-of-fact tones like a conversation about a historical event or a recap of last night’s football game. How empowering and liberating does that sound?  

Stay tuned as I revisit this topic in the future. And please, share your concerns that prevent you from communicating more effectively, though I bet you are much better at it than you think you are.

I do not recall what prompted this memory, but I recently remembered an online debate that took place a couple of years ago on a listserv of which I am a member. One parent was complaining about the placement of a billboard adjacent to the highway that dissects her town and is located en route to a couple of elementary and middle schools. The advertisement was for condoms. This particular woman was dismayed that such an ad would be placed in a visible spot where kids might see it. Other people on the listserv responded, some defending the placement of the ad, others worrying what conversation they might have with their kids if they saw it.

Parents: perfect conversation prompt! What a great opportunity to talk to your kids whether they ask you about the billboard or (gasp),  you bring up the subject with “Did you see that billboard?” This ideal opportunity allows you to have a discussion with your child that reflects your personal/ family values.